i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on