Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
You Might Also Like
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.