Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
#CatsOnTwitter
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy