44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again