My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year