Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
How I like cutting carbs
they should invent a hydrating liquor
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.