If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
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I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Festive toon…
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
yeah not falling for this one
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is