A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
john wicks are toilet candles
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.