Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Pigeon open mic night.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts