My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
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1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.