Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.