Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Strange