My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.