If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Simple
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”