People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
🤣
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Is this you?
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants