me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
You Might Also Like
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did