Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes