Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
This will never not be funny 😭
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.