I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
You Might Also Like
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Sorry not sorry.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
oh u like geography? name every lake
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.