A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
my astrological sign is a french fry
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then