Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The pasta is now
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Those are good neighbors.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.