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If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
inside you are two wolves
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park