me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
i spent way too long on this
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.