Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived