What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*seductively corrects your posture*
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I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.