I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I already tried new things thanks.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Care for your back
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.