I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
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waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.