Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
You Might Also Like
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
X-tra spooky blend
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
They grow up so quick
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
went fishing caught a bass
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.