If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I had to Stop for this
new shirt idea
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”