If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”