My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks