Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
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Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*