We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me