If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.