Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Terribly Tuesday.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I have never related to a cat more
Oh thanks BBC.