Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans