i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
a lot to unpack here
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue