*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
You Might Also Like
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…