god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.