My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Happy Caturday!
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio