i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Oops
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Thursday Thought.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.