I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The struggle is real.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.