Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
🤣
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials