Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”