*pronounces UPS like yoops
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
#Thanos #MondayMood
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister