My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.