89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire