[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
You Might Also Like
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.