I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.