Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
You Might Also Like
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.